"In Search of the Optimal Christmas"
December 17, 2008
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Another Christmas is here
and I am once again in search of the optimal
holiday solution. Overall, last Christmas (2007) turned
in a score of 3.5 Balls on the standard 4.0
Christmas Ball Scale (See Figure 1). It’s the
closest I have ever come to the optimal
Christmas and way ahead of the 0.5 Ball
Christmas of 2001. |
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What am I talking about? What exactly is the standard 4.0
Ball Scale? Does the optimal Christmas really exist or is it a pipedream like
the flywheel, bubble memory, or low-carb bread? Well, I believe it does exist,
but first you must define the challenge. I have 4 goals at Christmas:
1. Send
out cards.
2. Hang outside lights including Santa and reindeer.
3. Set-up tree.
4. Buy
the perfect gift(s) for my wife.
Each goal represents 1.0 Balls on the 4.0
Christmas Ball Scale. If I score 4.0 Balls, I have achieved the optimal
Christmas. After 10 years of marriage, I think I have a good handle on the first
3 goals. I print Christmas cards with a family picture on my photo printer and
address labels are generated using an up-to-date Christmas Database. I have
detailed schematics for all the house lighting. The animatronic Santa and
reindeer are stored, intact, for easy yuletide installation. I also update the
songs Santa plays every year with MP3 files downloaded from the internet. I
find, haul, mount, and wire the Christmas tree. At this point, my wife swoops in
and adds the artistic touch of garland and balls that give the tree warmth and
style. My garland and ball technique has been described as “too symmetric” and
“Spock-like”. I have had some problems through the years: In 1998 (My first
non-bachelor year), I sent my own Christmas cards to my friends and family (not
hers) resulting in great hostility and the charge “We’re supposed do our cards
together!” Who knew? In 1999, my house light microprocessor (a 286 that I
salvaged from an old IBM PC) was not Y2K compliant and crashed all the lights on
our street on New Year’s Eve. In 2003, the MP3 file I downloaded to Santa and
the reindeer had a virus. We had a “Trojan Santa”! I had to wipe Santa’s disk
clean and reboot the reindeer. Santa and the team were down for 4 days. The
final goal (the elusive 4th Ball) is the most difficult: the perfect gift(s) for
my wife, Laura. At this point in my research, her gift(s) must meet the
following 3 criteria: 1. She has to want it: In August, I start writing down
everything Laura says: she likes; she “almost bought”; she can’t find; and
anything her brother-in-law bought for her sister. By September 1, I have 500 to
600 items. 2. It must be backfire proof: Always consider the message a gift may
send. For example, the gift of a membership to a gym will probably result in
you’re never having sex again. Personally, I eliminate ALL clothes. Why? Style
and size are potential disasters. If you pick a style that is out of date,
she’ll ask, “Do you think I dress like my mother?” If you pick a style that is
too trendy: “Are you saying I need to look younger?!” The choice of size is even
more dicey. If you choose a size that’s too big, you’ll hear, “You think I’m
fat.” If you buy a size that is too small: “Are you saying I need to lose
weight?” And by the way, never say “Oh, you’ll grow into it” to smooth it over.
3. I must spend roughly the same amount as she does on a gift: According to most
books about relationships you shouldn’t “keep score”. But I disagree. The
universe is about balance. There needs to be balance. And so it is with
Christmas presents. Here’s how my wife and I have matched up through the years:
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It’s important
that I NOT spend less on Laura. I made that mistake in 2001 and I still hear
about it every Christmas. I truly thought she needed and would like a new coffee
mug. Especially, since I broke the old one. The next year, 2002, I spent about
the same as she, but who knew she didn’t want 256MB of RAM. She needed it (her
processor was thrashing horribly), but she didn’t want it - Very important
distinction. In 2003, I decided to not leave anything to chance. I spent more
than I could really afford, but I figured she would be happy – wrong! She was
mortified. She felt guilty because I spent way more than her. Her present seemed
insignificant. Starting in 2007, I instituted “SCS - Safe Cushion Spending”.
Using “SCS”, I am reasonably sure of spending between 0 and 20% more than Laura.
How do I do it? I cheat. I carefully monitor my wife’s on-line VISA bill. I make
sure I spend between 0 and 20% more than she spends at any computer or
electronics store (the only time she ever goes to Fry’s is for me at Christmas).
Even using SCS this year, I missed. I was 30% short of her spending and
therefore 0.5 Balls short of perfection. What was my downfall? Cash. She
actually made several cash purchases. Who uses cash anymore? This year I have
altered the “Safe Cushion Spending” formula to include a percentage of any
variances in ATM cash withdrawals. I truly believe that Christmas 2008 may be
the best Christmas ever! And that’s what Christmas is all about – believing that
perfection is just around the corner.
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